Chapter 419: Chapter 417 Are you deceiving me, or are you deceiving yourself?
Shen Yinning thought, Lu Ying must have taken the wrong medicine tonight.
In a hoarse voice, she said, "If you want to go crazy, then go do it elsewhere. What’s the meaning of running here again and again in the dead of night?"
Clearly berating him, but to Lu Ying, her voice sounded as melodious and soothing as celestial music.
One of his hands pressed against the wall beside her face, so close, so very close—his thin lips nearly brushed her cheek. In his narrow, hazy eyes, a reflection of her glistening, reddened ones shimmered. The tears welling up in her eyes made his brows tighten, stabbing a sharp ache into his heart.
With his other large hand, he gently cradled the girl’s cheek. Lowering his head, he kissed away her tears, his thumb slowly stroking her face, as if utterly unsure of what to do with her.
"I’m sorry."
He caressed her cheek again and repeated, "I’m sorry."
Back then, he really thought she had betrayed him.
Though he loved her, he was also young and proud, unable to swallow his anger. He stood coldly by as her family suffered calamity, and even acted so cruelly during her first night.
He bottled up his grievances, ignoring her for three years while she was in Gan State, refusing to respond to the letters she painstakingly sent.
When she returned to the Capital from Gan State after all those miles, he subjected her to endless humiliation...
And yet, she had done nothing wrong.
Lu Ying closed his eyes.
A dense pain spread through his chest, each heartbeat pounding as if to question why he had treated the one he loved so. Regret coursed through him like a slow, sharp current surging through every vein, boiling his blood until it felt ready to spill over.
Shen Zhaozhao was right.
She owed him nothing. It was he who owed her far too much.
He opened his eyes again, staring firmly at Shen Yinning. His husky voice questioned, "Back then, between me and Lu Shiyan, the one you liked more, the one you truly wanted to marry—it was me, wasn’t it?"
Otherwise, why else would she have helped him destroy the incriminating evidence of salt and iron smuggling?
Indeed, as Lu Shiyan had said, she aided him because she aspired to become the Crown Princess Consort. But even if he were deposed, with her family background and beauty, she could still become someone else’s Crown Princess Consort if she wished.
So in his mind, her helping him could only mean that she wanted to marry him.
Shen Yinning pushed him aside and sat up, her delicate face cold as she adjusted her inner garments and smoothed the disheveled strands of hair from her forehead.
Having done all this, she turned to him with calm disdain, her eyes glinting mockingly. "Lu Ying, with things between us as they are, why bring up the past? Don’t tell me you want to reconcile with me, and definitely don’t tell me you truly like me and came tonight for some heartfelt confession."
Lu Ying said, "I know you don’t have the patience for heartfelt confessions. I’m just here to seek an answer."
An answer he couldn’t obtain in his youth.
Only with that answer could the restless heart he carried finally come to rest.
Only then, amidst this human world, could he feel grounded.
"You want an answer? Fine, I’ll give you one." A flicker of ridicule and cruelty passed through Shen Yinning’s Dan Feng eyes. "In my youth, I did secretly weigh you against Lu Shiyan. In the end, I chose to stand by your side simply because your mother passed away early."
Lu Ying’s brows furrowed, as though he hadn’t comprehended.
Shen Yinning curled her bright red lips into a smile laced with heavy scorn. "Surely you don’t think Noble Consort Zhang is a gentle, easygoing person? If I married Lu Shiyan, Noble Consort Zhang would be my mother-in-law. She’s of humble origins yet unbearably ambitious, with a controlling grip on her two sons. If she ever became Empress Dowager, her tyranny would only grow. If I were to live the rest of my life competing and walking on eggshells in the harem, what would be the point?"
The flickering candlelight wavered as if reddening the warm chamber.
The room was steeped in the sweet, cloying scent of natural blossoms, thickening the atmosphere.
But in this ambiguous setting, Lu Ying’s limbs gradually turned cold.
He stared at Shen Yinning. "So, back then, the reason you chose me was actually because—"
"Because you’re different from Lu Shiyan. Your mother died young, and your maternal clan is based outside the border, making it difficult for their influence to extend into the palace. By marrying you, I wouldn’t need to serve a mother-in-law, and my father and brother wouldn’t bear undue pressure. Marrying you brought countless benefits—why wouldn’t I choose that?"
A dim, desolate light shrouded Lu Ying’s face.
The hands resting on the embroidered quilt clenched instinctively.
Yet, unwilling to give up, he pressed further, "That’s it? When you chose me, it had nothing to do with who I am as a person?"
For instance, admiration for his talent, fondness of his archery skills, respect for his strategies.
Or, even if simply for his appearance...
But Shen Yinning pondered for a moment before replying earnestly, "No."
The room plunged into a long, stifling silence.
Lu Ying’s narrow eyes brimmed with a faint red. Suddenly, his gaze darted around, as if helplessly searching for a place to land.
Because he had no Empress Mother...
Shen Yinning’s choice of him had been because he had no Empress Mother!
What a laughable, absurd reason!
But, bizarrely, it was entirely in her character to have acted so.
Shen Yinning—what a thoroughly self-serving woman she was!
Seeing through his thoughts with a single glance, Shen Yinning quipped lightly, "You must be thinking, ’How can this woman be so selfish and self-centered?’ But Lu Ying, don’t think I never seriously liked you. After returning from Jiangnan, I did consider being with you wholeheartedly. But what I wanted, you couldn’t give me. Whether it was the throne or revenge, you couldn’t provide either. So why would I still choose you?"
Lu Ying murmured, "Does liking someone need so many conditions? If I can’t meet your conditions, do you just abandon them? Shen Zhaozhao, are you sure this is love?"
Shen Yinning tilted her head slightly, as if contemplating his words.
After a while, unable to untangle her thoughts, she replied casually, "It doesn’t matter. You’ve seen for yourself—I’m just this kind of selfish, self-serving person. Lu Ying, any feelings I had for you can’t surpass what I feel for my parents and brother. Maybe I liked you, maybe I didn’t—think what you will. But now, my heart belongs to someone else. For you, there will never again be romantic affection."
With that, she busied herself with straightening the quilt.
Lu Ying was left to the side like a discarded shoe.
His eyes reddened as he stared at her, his voice eerily calm and steady, like a dead, stagnant pool of water: "Your heart belongs to someone else? A proud and obstinate person like yourself... you’re truly in love with Cui Ji? I’d wager that seeing me taking consorts and empresses made you unwilling to lose to me, so you’re clinging to Cui Ji for a semblance of so-called ’reunion and happiness,’ aren’t you? Shen Zhaozhao, who are you putting on a show for? Are you lying to me—or to yourself?"
The hand rearranging the quilt froze quietly.
Lu Ying crept ever closer to her, inching her toward the corner of the bed. "Someone as prideful and self-assured as Shen Zhaozhao—can she truly give up wealth and glory so easily? Would she really lower herself to become the insignificant concubine of a Third Rank Assistant Minister?"
Seizing her hand forcefully, he pressed it against the place over his heart. "Seeing me go mad for you, jealous for you, utterly at a loss because of you, Shen Zhaozhao, doesn’t it make you happy? You wicked, selfish, hypocritical—"
The rest of his words caught in his throat.
You wicked, selfish, hypocritical—
Yet still the woman who haunted his every thought, day and night.