Chapter 31: Less Heavier
Eliàn;
I swallow the food in my mouth, and when I look up, Alana quickly looks away. She was staring at me. Probably thinking something about me too.
She must be tired of me. But the only reason she hasn’t said she wants to leave again is because she knows I won’t let her go.
"What is it?"
I question and she shakes her head as she raises another scoop of rice to my mouth.
"Nothing..." She replies, and I can see through the lie crystal clear.
I take the scoop of food from her and as I chew, she sighs.
I remain silent, and then she looks at me again. Harder this time...
"Ala..."
"Did you grow up with parents?" She questions, and I pause. I raise a brow at the absurdity of the question, and she looks away with genuine confusion and curiosity on her face.
"I mean, did you have people who were constantly breathing down your neck, telling you what to do in order to build the pattern of obedience this world runs on, or did you grow up on your own? According to your rules? Is that why it’s difficult for you to listen to any advice you’re given?" She pushes, and I just blink at her.
"I’m not... I’m not trying to be rude. It’s just... I don’t understand you, and I’m trying to. I need to know why you do the things you do so I can know how to help you." She says with sincerity in her voice, and I slowly look away from her.
Was I raised with parents?
Let’s see... Right from when I was little, I was shuffled through daycares and nannies. I have memories of so many caretakers whose faces I can’t even remember. But I have more memories of them than my own mother.
Every time I think about my mother, all I see is that signature scowl on her face each time I tried to get her attention, or how the light from her laptop’s screen always illuminated her face.
She loved that laptop more than she loved me. She failed woefully at hiding it.
And dad... he was never home. Always working, on business trips... and on days he came home, we’d pass by each other like flatmates and nothing more.
He only ever spoke to me when he wanted to reprimand me or condemn my life choices.
At least they gave me food, money, and a house over my head. Asking for anything more was asking for too much...
Sometimes I wonder if it really was just my eyes that made them treat me like that, or something more.
It’s a painful thing you know... spending every waking moment of your life wondering what you did to make your parents hate you and what you can do to make them forgive you, love you, or even just see you...
A smile splits my face as I remember them.
That one time I saved all my lunch money and got earrings for mom as her birthday gift. I saw it in the bin that night.
I spent the whole night by that bin. Not crying... just holding on to the earrings and wondering what it would feel like to be somewhere else. What it would be like to be loved...
Wondering if there was some place somewhere where I could be loved. Even if it was just a dream, it was all I had to hold on to. The deceptive, pathetic dream that someday, someone somewhere would love me...
And that even though I didn’t know what flaws I had... they somehow wouldn’t mind and love me regardless.
"M...Master Elián, I’m sorry. I... I didn’t mean to make you cry..." Alana suddenly says and I turn to her.
Her face is pale, and her eyes are worried.
Did she say cry? Am I crying??
I take my hand to my face and pause when I feel the warm liquid beneath my eyes.
I stare at Alana, and an amazed chuckle escapes me.
"Wow. I’m sweating through my eyes now.... Evolution..." I joke, but Alana doesn’t laugh.
She just stares at me with a little pout.
"It’s okay if you didn’t have a family." She whispers, and I tilt my head as I stare at her.
"Sometimes... It’s best not to have anybody to place expectations on. Because the worst kind of hurt is the one only those people can give you." She says as she looks away, and I don’t miss the sorrow in her voice.
"I’m guessing your family was shit too?" I question and she chuckles a bit.
"Shit is a bit too fancy for them." She replies, and I smile wryly at the understanding that only similar trauma can cause.
"Wanna talk about it?" I question, and she stares at me with a big smile. It’s not a happy smile.
It’s a mask. One I realise cause I’ve worn it all my life.
The mask we wear to hide our cracks, fight our tears, and feign strength.
"I come from a long line of betas. We only ever had one Alpha in our entire bloodline, and since then it’s been an avalanche of Betas." She begins, and I listen closely as this is my first chance to glimpse into what made Alana the person she is.
"My parents weren’t rich, but they weren’t poor either. They were fine. They had all they needed. They had a cute little cottage, three healthy sons, all the fruits and food they could eat... But then an accident happened. I happened." She says, and my heart hurts at how casually she called herself an accident.
"Mama got pregnant when she originally shouldn’t be able to anymore. She tried to flush me out... but I guess I was too excited to hop around the world. Nothing she did to get rid of me worked. I think that’s where the hatred started." She adds with a small laugh, and a thriving ache claims my chest.
"She had all the kids she ever wanted. Life was good. And I was the stain on her precious, pretty life. I was born. And not only was I a girl... I was born an omega." She says and my heart skips a beat.
Alana is an omega??
"The first omega in a household of Betas. Imagine the joy." She says with a big smile and the sarcasm only makes my heart hurt more.
"All Mama saw when she looked at me was shame... but that was before I became an investment. I was never let outside so I wouldn’t get hurt and ruin my skin. I was fed all kinds of things to keep me round and robust, and my hygiene was always properly handled. I thought my Ma and Pa finally loved me... That was till my 18th birthday when they sold me to a brothel." She continues, and I can’t help the gasp that escapes me.
"My job was to make babies for whatever Betas or Alphas who paid enough for it. However, I couldn’t get pregnant. I made sure of it. I kept eating poisonous berries to avoid getting pregnant. I did it for so long, I ruined my womb. Three years to be exact. Three long years in that brothel. So many punishments... beatings... pain... and men... I was sure I was going to die there. Until Alpha Zethar saw me one day..." She speaks softly and the pain in her voice is so strong I can physically feel it.
"I don’t know what he saw. Maybe looking at me, he could see the black hole I was becoming... Maybe he thought I deserved a chance to breathe... to live... to heal... Despite knowing I didn’t have a womb anymore and couldn’t bear him an heir, he bought me from the brothel. Brought me here. Gave me a job with the maids and we’ve never said a word to each other since then. That was a year ago." She says this time with a huge smile, and I can’t help but smile back.
My smile is not a happy smile. It’s a smile to let her know that I understand her.
"People might call Alpha Zerthar. all sorts of names. He is... unconventional. Unhinged even... but he’s my saviour. And I’ll never forget that." She concludes, and only then does my mind pick the name. Zethar. That must be that last of the brothers...
"My point is. Life may give you the wrong keys. But there are so many doors. The ones you chose to open, shut and even break down are all up to you. Don’t dwell on hurt. Learn, adapt, change.
Yesterday’s pain is meant to be today’s strength.
You need patience, wisdom and obedience here. You need to learn when to be quiet and when to listen, Master Elian. This is the safest place I know, but remember it is very possible to choke on honey." I blink at her, and she smiles at me.
"Make your family. Decide who you want in your family and find yourself the happiness you deserve while protecting yourself too," she whispers and I place my hand over hers.
"You know... I was an only child... I’d love to know what it feels like to have a sister." I reply, and she laughs.
"I want a brother who trusts me enough to listen to me though." she replies, and I laugh.
"Right. I’ll work on that." I reply laughing and she joins in.
"Great. Then you’re no longer an only child..." She replies and for the first time since I got here... I feel a bit less lonely...
Things a bit lighter now... all thanks to Alana.