Many years ago, in a musty basement...
"I'm checking again, John. What do I need to roll to find a false bottom or something?"
"There's nothing in the chest, Bryan. You got two swords, six potions, 2000 electrum pieces, and 100 gold pieces."
"I'm checking again. There, I rolled a natural twenty. I have Find Traps and Secret Doors at a base of 37%, plus the dwarven and elven bonuses from my heritage options give another 52%, and my Ring of Scrounging gives +20%. That's a 109% chance, and according to table E-7 on page 427 of Traps and Trinkets, I should find anything in the chest or hidden nearby."
"First off, Bryan, you can't use both heritage options, just one, and dwarf/elf crossbreeds aren't something on the approved tables. You can't use an online homebrew version. And I'm not rolling on the crappy Monty Hall tables from T and T."
"That's bullshit. It's all approved material."
"Not at my table. But, since you're my little brother, I'll let you in on a secret: Even if you could use all that min/max bullshit, the answer would be the same. Nothing there."
"That isn't fair, you gave Joe and Buddy magic swords. Excalibur and Stormbringer are major artifacts."
"Except these are copies, Bryan. They say "Made in Hommlet' on the blades. They're normal +1 swords with fancy names. They got the swords and are happy they look like badasses. You convinced them to give you the potions and money. More than fair."
"You're CHEATING! Where's the Staff of Power?""What Staff of Power, Bryan?"
"The Minotaur Sorcerer King is supposed to have a Staff of Power. It says so in the module for Descent into theDeadly Depths of Dukong"
"You read my module?! That's going to cost you a level. I warned you about touching my stuff."
"Didn't!"
"You did!"
"I'm not lying, I didn't read your stupid module."
"Then how do you know about the Staff of Power?"
"I went to Pirate's Treasure Chest and paid a dollar to download it. I read MY module, so you can't dock me a level. That's the rule."
"Bryan, I'm the Dungeon Master. I get to set up the treasure. I took out the Staff of Power because I dropped all the monsters by four levels. You guys would have been dead in the first room. And I agree, you don't lose a level."
"No shit. Because you can't do that!"
"That's because Phil the Idiot Wizard is going to lose three levels."
"You suck! And his name is Philistron! Where's the Staff of Power
then?""Dunno. Maybe in The Crypt of Death. Alice is running that next week at Cyborgs and Bunnygirls, go play in her game."
"Alice is a killer DM! She wipes out whole parties and tears up their character sheets!"
"They should learn not to go into the Crypt of Death, then. It's up to you, baby brother. By the way, your character is down to level seven now. That's the dungeon to run if you want a major item like a Staff of Power."
"You SUCK, John! And Alice SUCKS! I'll get one in another game. And I'm telling Mom!"
As Bryan ran out of the musty basement to the kitchen, looking for someone to take his side, his older brother took his forgotten character sheet and made a notation that the character, Philistron, had lost three levels for cheating and two more for insulting two dungeon masters. "Hope he has fun running a level ten dungeon next week at level five."
Charging into battle atop Ursa had not been one of Milo's plans. But the bear was heading that way, and the giant snail hadn't screamed until he put two cannonballs into it, backed by cataclysmite. Actions have consequences. The Myconians didn't seem to see that. Milo saw the chain of events that led to him bear surfing and trying to come up with a plan to save the bee girl, himself, and Ursa. His options narrowed down as the distance between the snails and their intended victims narrowed, and led him to consider using his new staff.
The staff was a puzzle. Was it something new, or the staff that Philistron had carried when he took Milo a prisoner? There was no way to know for sure, as he'd never engaged in battle with the monster Bryan had created. The fact that the Engine had taken the abandoned template and made it into an NPC was another puzzle. Was it because of the quests tied to the character? Or had it seen an interesting villain it could use? Milo didn't like coincidences like being offered the Wandering Sage class, and then getting the staff. He hadn't intended to use it, although the bonuses from its stats were nice. He made a note to himself that in the future, if he didn't intend to use something, he should bury it at the bottom of his stash. All these thoughts passed through his minds in an instant, and then he was blasting away with the Runic Staff of Philistron the Benevolent Sage.
He chose the Fireball spell and targeted the red Burney Snails in the second rank of the horde. The spell had a low recast time, and in seven seconds, he cast it seven times, putting a wall of fire across the first three ranks of the snails, and hitting all seven of the red snails. Damage to the Battle Snails was insignificant, and only slightly better on the green snails. But the effect on the Burney Snails was catastrophic, as he'd seen before when the elves had set them on fire. The secondary explosions did far more damage, half-killing the greens and knocking around the blue Battle Snails.
Ursa skidded to a stop near Amarella, careful not to trample the large bees. Milo hopped off, knowing he only had a few seconds to grab her and retreat. He went to pick her up, but she struggled. "I can't leave my bees! Help me save them." Milo was about to ask Ursa to open up her compartment again, to carry the bees, when Gargantua surged forward, heading to them, unleashing another scream of rage. Amarella winced in pain and went limp; the bees quit buzzing and were still, but alive. Milo's head hurt, but he was otherwise unaffected.
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Ursa, on the other hand, was pissed. She saw the huge snail advancing and charged it, unleashing her own growl. She smashed through the lines of snails, knocking them from her path. Gargantua was slow to react, and Ursa clawed and bit at its exposed neck, tearing out great hunks of meat. The stunned snail paused its advance, its head moving back and forth as the pain registered.
Milo took the moment to start throwing bees in the air. There were a dozen of them, and carrying them all wasn't an option, but juggling them was. The bee girl was light enough that his long, armored tail could lift her off the ground and put her over his shoulder. With both hands free, it was simple enough to keep a dozen bees in the air as he carefully ran back up the slope.
The elves were clapping and cheering.
"Now that, my friends, is a stylish rescue. But I'm suspecting we under-appraised the value of that staff."
"Indeed, and the mage himself. That is no simple wanderer. He is unleashing the legendary abilities of a powerful artifact."
"Yeah, that staff is kickass."
The last comment brought scowls from the other two elves. "I'm not sure I understand your meaning. Were you perhaps speaking Orcish?"
"Ah, a strange word indeed. I think that our large vase dedicated to strange words will be getting a donation of no less than a hundred gold pieces."
"Crap! Really? We have a day off from Willy's game. Do we really have to enforce the immersion rules?"
"More Orcish? Or is that the strange mumblings of the outer dark? We must appease the Holy Jar of strange words and give offerings to Hecate, goddess of language."
"Only in this way can we stay in character at the table of the True Dungeon master and controller of the great structure! Surely this needs a donation of two hundred gold pieces."
"I apologize for speaking in tongues, brother Mages. I will atone and watch my wandering tongue. And truly, some people are the illegitimate spawn of unwed trolls."
"Truth."
"Much Truth, but well spoken, despite their birth and dubious parental status. And would you look at those dextrous digits. Juggling is something we may wish to pursue. I pondered why it was an elective at the academy."
"The evidence of an accomplished mage with a circus skill does not lead to the logical conclusion of the need for us to part with time and gold for such an endeavor."
"Oh dear, things are not going well for his Ursine companion."
"I agree, the mechanical marvel is resembling stale bread held in front of a fire."
"Burnt stale bread, indeed. But it was a nice try."
Ursa had done well at first, clawing Gargantua and doing terrible damage. Her jaws were latched tightly on its neck, tearing out chunks of tough muscle and tendons. The snail was leaking a greenish fluid and had lost one of its eyestalks. It had butted hard with its horned head, and after being hit twice, Ursa charged in close, stood on her hind legs, and grabbed the snail's neck in a bear hug, attempting to rip off its head and end the fight. Legs spread wide, with claws tearing at the back of the neck, she wrestled with the snail while her jaws bit deeper and deeper.
The strategem might have worked if Gargantua had only one head.
Pushing past the half-destroyed neck of the main head, another two heads emerged on either side. One was bright green, the other a distinctive red. As Ursula tried to wrench Gargantua's main head off its body, they took hold of her legs and pulled back and forth, keeping the bear from using her full strength. Caustic saliva from the green head was working its way into the joints of one leg, corroding wiring and gears. The other leg was glowing red hot as trickles of flammable liquid seeped deeper into the joint. With the sound of tearing metal, each leg ceased to move, and Ursula lost all leverage. Her mouth was still chewing away at Gargantua, and giving time, she might have prevailed, but outnumbered three to one, she was unable to keep her grip as the other two heads attacked her torso and shoulders. The snail screamed from its main head and whipped back and forth until the bear was shaken loose. As soon as this happened, the two smaller heads brought their breath weapons into play, dousing her with both acid and flame.
Milo had just put down the bee girl and placed her hive next to her when he heard the screaming snail and turned to see Ursula's fate. The mechanical bear lay broken and burnt off to the side of the battle. Gargantua had pulled its maimed head within its shell, and the other two heads were feeding on the downed Warforms, eating one after another. The remaining Warforms were backing away, as were the few snails that were left.
Speaker appeared next to him, the heavy feeling of the Collective's thoughts announcing their presence. "An unexpected but fortuitous chain of events. The Collective thanks you for your efforts. The mulch from the slain snails will provide tasty snacks for the Collective and the highest-ranking forms in the city. Sadly, the reddish type will be unusable. Too much heat ruins the nutrients. We will rebuild the damaged fields. Gargantua survives, but when we next tempt it out with a trail of food, we will be ready for it and fully harvest its resources. All in all, a good day. Your job is done."
Milo saw that the snail had finished the Warforms and was devouring the mulch from one of the beds. "Gargantua isn't leaving. It's using what it eats to regenerate. It will continue until it's eaten everything in this part of the cavern."
The Collective turned and looked at the snail. What it was seeing disagreed with how it had expected events to progress. "This is a poor outcome. We would welcome unexpected solutions to this problem."
Milo looked from the injured trolls to the bee girl and other injured mercenary merchants, finally coming to rest on Ursula. "To not be finished! To just be getting started!" He began running towards Gargantua.