Chapter 128: Narration
Both of them went to bed as soon as they had their lunch. Hiroshi moved close to Haruki and wrapped his hand around his waist. He was not hesitant about it. A small smile lifted the corners of his lips when he noticed that Haruki didn’t stop him as usual.
He slid slower moving his head from the pillow and instead pressed his face against Haruki’s back. He inhaled deeply trying to regulate his thoughts and feelings. He had no reason to cry. He should be excited, happy that the man he loved gave him all the support he needed.
However there was something that made his nose sting, made his eyes water and made him tremble even under the thick covers. Haruki said no word, Haruki hadn’t asked him, he hadn’t even acted curious.
It made him feel at ease that he didn’t have to force those words buried deep into exposure. However, there was a need to tell Haruki, to share it with someone. Haruki was respecting his boundaries, he both loved and hated it.
He wanted Haruki to ask him but since he felt like he didn’t want to tell anyone about what that day, he didn’t say it on his own. He swallowed and rubbed his face against the warmth fabric of Haruki’s pajamas.
"Goodnight," Haruki’s voice filled his ears so warm so soothing. It was as though he was telling him to stop worrying and sleep.
"Good night," he responded with a yawn. Haruki’s words worked like a spell pulling him into a Dreamland.
When Haruki noticed Hiroshi had stopped moving and was breathing calmly, he turned the lights off and turned to look at Hiroshi’s face. When he turned, Hiroshi buried his face into his chest making it impossible for him to see his face.
He gave up and stroked his hair gently until he also fell asleep.
"No!" Hiroshi’s cry split the silence, raw and trembling.
Haruki who had woken up when Hiroshi moved away from him was forced awake once again. He sat up and turned the lights on. Hiroshi sat up and took deep breaths.
Seeing the state of the man beside him, Haruki could not simply go back to sleep as though he didn’t know there was something wrong with the man. Hiroshi was drenched in sweat and he covered his face with his hands as though he wanted to hide.
"What happened?" Haruki asked hoping he showed the right amount of concern in his voice towards the man.
Hiroshi cleared his throat and turned away from Haruki. He rose up from the bed and went into the bathroom. Haruki watched all his movements and he thought it was better he doesn’t ask the man any questions.
He hesitated but remembering how heart wrenching the cry was, he knew it was something deep and painful, one he could not ignore. He knew pain when he sees it, he knew hurt, he knew trauma when he sees and that was what he saw.
This was the first time the doctor lost his composure, how could he not care? The man was so shaken hours ago when the woman fell before their eyes and he wished he had shielded the man from what he witnessed.
He rose up from the bed and followed the doctor into the bathroom. The doctor’s pajamas laid on the floor before the door of the glass shower cubicle. He leaned against the counter and waited for the man.
The doctor walked out in his bath day suit and wrapped a towel around his waist before he noticed Haruki standing in front of the counter. He was taken aback but approached the man wearing the small smile.
"I am sorry I disturbed your sleep," he apologized to the man when he got to him.
Haruki raised his head and looked at the man before him. The man who now wore a smile on his face so warm so gentle so sincere it caused Haruki’s heart to ache. It reminded him of himself but he could not help but admire the man considering that the man was able to mask it up better than he could ever.
"Why are you smiling?" Haruki asked his voice a bit cold.
Hiroshi met his gaze surprised by the lack of warmth in Haruki’s voice. It was foreign although that was Haruki’s usual manner of speech. He came to realize that he had gotten so used to the warmth in Haruki in less than twelve hours. He swallowed and apologized again.
Haruki moved away from the counter and approached him. He raised his hand and touched the doctor’s wet hair. He brushed it away from his forehead before lifting his head to leave a smacking kiss on Hiroshi’s wet cheek.
Hiroshi’s smile broadened he hugged Haruki and pressed his forehead against Haruki’s shoulder.
Haruki returned his hug and they stayed that way for more than a minute until Hiroshi pulled away from the embrace. "So, do you want to tell me what happened?"
Hiroshi’s eyes widened before he smiled and hugged Haruki again. "Do I have to?"
"If you want to," Haruki replied after pausing for a few seconds.
"I want to... but could we make a deal?" Hiroshi asked, his throat tightening. He nearly asked for something reckless like extending their contract but stopped himself. Instead, the words slipped out before he could hold them back: "If I tell you, then you have to tell me about yours."
After the words spilled out of his lips, he regretted it immediately and wished he had not made such request. It was just as selfish as the first request. He was asking something very sensitive from Haruki.
He grew tense fearing Haruki would not accept the deal and maybe feel offended by his words. He pulled away and bowed his head before saying, "You don’t have to if you don’t want to." He hoped Haruki wouldn’t think he was pretending because he wanted such answers.
Haruki studied him the tremble in his voice, the fear shadowing his eyes. And against all reason, his chest loosened. Perhaps it was because Hiroshi was Aki’s brother. Perhaps it was because the man had seen too much already. Or perhaps it was because, for once, Haruki wanted to give.
"Fine," Haruki sighed.
Hiroshi holding Haruki’s hand, led him to the room and sat on the bed. "When I was very young, my mother committed suicide," Hiroshi began, voice steady but hollow. "She had been depressed for a while. Failed once... then tried again. And she succeeded."
Haruki knowing there had to be more to the story, waited for him to continue. "I was outside playing when she fell. She smiled at me, she knew I could see her and she didn’t spare me the scars of witnessing her death. She didn’t give me to the chance to help her, to stop her."
Haruki found himself pitying the man before him. Hiroshi narrated it as though he was telling someone else’s story but from all that happened during the past hours, he was certain that her death left a deep wound he chose to hide.
Hiroshi tried to detach himself from the feelings he had attached to the memories of his mother’s death but there was something immensely liberating about his narration. He had never told anyone since the police and paramedics on the day it happened.
His father tried to get him into therapy but he didn’t pay much attention to it since he had his career and soon enough, a new family. That was just in time for his mother to become a taboo in the family as though he as a young child had not witnessed his mother die.
Maybe they wanted to keep it hidden for whatever reason. They succeeded to hide away from it but it always found a way to come back to him fresh as though it was happening all over again right before his eyes.
"Your turn," he gestured to Haruki when he was done narrating. He looked at him expectantly.
"My parents. . ." Haruki sighed. "They died on the way back from the amusement park. My birthday," Haruki said, clipped, as though the words were just facts pulled from a ledger. No grief. No detail. Just a door slammed shut in Hiroshi’s face.
"What about high school?"
Haruki was surprised by the question but he offered an answer, "I was bullied by my cousins and their friends when I was in high school. My uncle was also abusive."
Hiroshi closed his eyes and sighed. This was not how he wanted it to go, he wanted to be an anchor to Haruki. He began regretting the way he asked Haruki to tell him. It was as though Haruki was giving him a report void of emotion.
It made him feel as though a wall was built between them making him unable to get to Haruki emotionally. He felt uncomfortable knowing he derived comfort from telling Haruki about himself but it seemed Haruki got none of that from him.
"I am sorry that happened to you," Hiroshi began but knowing that wall was still there, he felt he was simply following laid out rules.
"That’s okay. Now, can we go back to sleep?" Haruki stretching as though closing the conversation and got under the covers.
"Yeah..." Hiroshi whispered, the word barely holding together. He tried for a smile, but it bent under the weight of everything unsaid.
He moved close to Haruki and hugged him from behind. He wanted so badly to heal Haruki’s wounds. He wished he could but he could not help but feel Haruki had closed the door against him.